The casting couch won’t work for Gerry – maybe that why he’s giving millions to movie moguls?

And if we can come up with another $100 million, they will let me play Henry VIII.

Alf finds it hard to fathom what’s going on in the Beehive nowadays.

Mean, lean Bill English is banging on about the need for fiscal rigour (although he is apt to forget this when throwing money around for Polynesian employment projects)

Generous and chubby Gerry Brownlee, on the other hand, is doling out millions of dollars to American movie moguls – the sorts of people who can count their profits in billions.

The long-suffering taxpayers of Eketahuna North accordingly are confused.

Today they have been pressing Alf for explanations, after the Sunday Star-Times disclosed that the public purse bankrolled blockbuster film and TV productions to the tune of $75 million over the past two years.