The thousands due at Parekura’s funeral attest to Labour’s lost leadership opportunity

May 4, 2013

Parekura Horomia has shown us what a giant among men he was.

It’s just that some people perhaps didn’t realise it – certainly not the Labour Party, which has struggled to find a leader agreeable to the rest of the country while overlooking the obvious candidate in its ranks.

The esteem in which Parekura was held is amply demonstrated by the fact half the country – and maybe more – have upped and gone to the rather remote East Coast community of Tolaga Bay to pay their respects.

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Fatties should go for the soaps (the slimming ones) rather than the news, when watching TV

January 29, 2013

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The good news for Parekura Horomia and Gerry Brownlee is that Alf has sent each of them a few bars of the product advertised here.

Mrs Grumble happened to be cleaning out the attic and – would you believe? – found the soap.

She suggested Alf put them to the test, but he happened to think he knew of someone who could make much better use of these bars than he could.

Mrs G. agreed and the soap was delivered this afternoon, before the House sat for the first time this year.

But there’s bad news (here) for Parekura and Gerry, too.

They should give up watching the news on telly.

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And if Parekura or Gerry need emergency treatment at Dr Gray’s Hospital? Fat chance…

January 15, 2013

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Dunno if Labour’s Parekura Horomia or Alf’s chubby chum Gerry are bound for Britain any time soon.

Perhaps not.

But they are bound to get there some time, and if so they should make damned sure they are in good nick, when it comes to their health.

And they should stay south of Hadrian’s wall.

The reason: overweight patients have caused health and safety problems in Scotland. Or in a bit of Scotland.

Accordingly these fatties are being denied beds.

Yep. That’s right.

If you are too tubby, you don’t get a bed.

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So now we know why Parekura and Gerry are so jolly – it’s something to do with their genes

November 21, 2012

But on some days it’s hard to be jolly.

Dunno if David Cunliffe is feeling somewhat down, today.

But notwithstanding whatever went on at his caucus meeting yesterday, he is more likely to get depressed than – let’s say – Parekura Horomia.

Or Alf’s good mate, Gerry Brownlee.

This can be asserted with great confidence because – as you will learn here – fat people are apt to be happier than their skinny colleagues.

Father Christmas, of course, serves as a splendid example.

And here’s why…

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Gerry and Parekura can relax – their bulk doesn’t necessarily increase their health risks

September 6, 2012

“Check out my metabolism before weaning me off the Big Macs…”

Gotta find Gerry and Parekura and tell them the good news.

Well, encouraging news.

A bunch of researchers are saying nearly half of fat people are just as healthy as slim people – and no more at risk of developing heart problems or cancer.

They also reckon overweight and obese people should not fight the flab after having a heart attack because they are more likely to outlive their leaner counterparts.

Fair to say, though, that Gerry and Parekura would need to find if they have a certain metabolism.

The findings (as reported here) show there is a subset of obese people who are metabolically healthy.

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Cheers to the good people at McCashins – they should pour all their water into making great beer

October 18, 2010

No, Alf is not in the same league.

Sad to say, Alf could not persuade the PM to give him time off for a bit of political research into how political parties treat gay renegades in the state of Maryland.

Obviously he should have thought of a more worthy subject for study, although (as the PM obviously suspected) the real purpose of his proposed journey was to attend The Maryland Brewer’s Oktoberfest.

It happened on Saturday, October 9 at the Maryland State Fairgrounds in Timonium and – by all accounts – was a fun affair.

It featured more than 75 beers from 11 area breweries, plus all sorts of German food, and there were a host of competitions, such as a Carry Your Wife contest, a Miss Oktoberfest contest and a Beer Belly contest.

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Kapa haka has its place, but Gisborne kids’ place is at their school desks

August 9, 2010

A Gisborne school principal who is squawking about his charges being denied time off from their studies to attend a song-and-dance festival needs to think bloody hard about his priorities.

The bugger is reported to be riled after a request for schools in Tairawhiti to have time off during the Te Matatini o Te Ra Festival next year was refused.

It’s not fair, he reckons, because schools nationwide will come to a standstill for the Rugby World Cup.

The national kapa haka festival in February is expected to attract tens of thousands of people to Gisborne.

The school principal says he requested two days off for the “cultural importance” of the event.

Lytton High School principal Jim Corder says: “It seems to be appropriate to make changes for something like the Rugby World Cup but doesn’t seem to be appropriate to make allowances for events of cultural significance to the region.”

He sounds like a stroppy bugger, this Corder bloke.

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Indigenous rights document gives Pita and Hone a great chance to show us how well they speak bollocks

April 21, 2010

Pita Sharples and his mates talk bollocks quite well at the best of times. They are speaking it with great eloquence this week.

Several examples have arisen since the almost clandestine signing of the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples.

Here’s a good one from Sharples –

Dr Sharples, one of the Maori Party’s co-leaders, said this morning’s announcement restored the mana and moral authority of Maori to speak in international forums on justice, rights and peace matters.

Are we seriously supposed to believe Maori had no mana or moral authority to speak in international forums on justice, rights and peace matters before now?

In other words, moral authority is being given – as if by magic (and a bit of stealth) – by the signing of a bloody document already signed by rogues and blackguards from countries like Zimbabwe, Myanmar, Iran and Sudan.

Here’s another well expressed example of bollocks –

Dr Sharples said the former New Zealand government’s decision in 2007 was “a great disappointment to Maori”.

Some Maori, maybe.

But not all Maori.

Shane Jones, Parekura Horomia and Winston Peters are among those who are bothered about the implications of what the Government has done.

Alf can name a great many more who are utterly indifferent to the signing.

Hone Harawira, of course, is a gifted speaker of bollocks –

Mr Harawira said Maori up and down the country “feel a lift in Government acknowledging the rights of Maori to be human”.

Outrageous tosh.

Alf won’t go on.

He will simply raise a few questions:

Was that a bunch of Maori, noisy and sparsely clad, who did a lot of noisy hollering and leaping around at the United Nations after the signing?

How did they get to hear about the signing? Were they already in New York, or were they flown there specially for the occasion?

If they were flown there, who paid?

And so on.

Alf is always alert to the need to ask how taxpayers’ money is being spent.

He asks – of course – on behalf of all taxpayers, not just a few.

Labour goes soft when Goff hits a nerve

December 7, 2009

If you want to see why Alf could never join the hand-wringing Labour Party, check out the report that Phil Goff faces discontent within his party over his controversial nationhood speech.

Actually, Alf will confide to his mates that the speech at issue was the best one Goff has made in months.

But they are a touchy-feely bunch, your basic Labourites, and party president Andrew Little has revealed he has “personal concerns” about the speech.

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