It would be news if it told us why Paris Hilton no longer believes in Santa Claus

December 25, 2009

There’s an extraordinary package of pap masquerading as news on Stuff this morning.

We are told Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was 16.

The important bit of the story is missing. Why did she stop believing at age 16?

The socialite thought the festive character was real until she was in her mid-teens and still makes her mother Kathy Hilton put out a stocking full of presents on Christmas Day so she can pretend he has paid her a visit.

She said: “We usually open our presents first thing in the morning. I’m like a kid at this time of year and I just can’t wait. I literally believed in Santa Claus until I was around 16!

“My mum still puts a stocking out for me so I can still pretend.”

What does she mean pretend?

Alf still believes in Santa Claus at the age of …

Well, let’s say he is of mature years.

And let me tell you, dear readers, that Santa dropped by over night as he always does at Christmas. Alf awoke this morning to find a splendid bottle of single malt in his Christmas stocking along with a new tie (it’s got a neat picture of Her Majesty the Queen waving to her admirers on it) and a pair of sox.

The saving of Prince Harry

January 29, 2009

Great news today from Britain’s Telegraph. Paris Hilton has ruled out a romance with Prince Harry because of her friendship with Chelsy Davy.

Of Prince Harry, who recently split from girlfriend Chelsy Davy, she said: “I think he’s a nice guy, I love Chelsy though – I think she’s so sweet – so I wouldn’t try anything.”

Last year it was reported that Prince Harry ignored Miss Hilton’s attempts to attract his attention while dancing at a London nightclub.

Alf – an unabashed royalist – is enormously heartened by the Hilton bint’s remarks. Princess Paris? Hideous.

And the prospect of her genes tainting those of the royal-blue-blooded Windsors was more upsetting to him than the sobering item from Homepaddock on the latest Fonterra dairy payout forecast.

A thought flickered into his head: what sort of return could Harry expect for the product from a ditsy heifer called Hilton? The mind boggles.