Treat yourself to tofu to improve your bedroom performance (if you can stomach the stuff)

It’s supposed to be great for your virility…

Alf became highly suspicious of Mrs Grumble in recent days.

She was behaving in a manner which seriously suggested she might have secretly become a member of the Green Party.

This would have been hugely shameful.

The suspicion was raised by Mrs Grumble suddenly serving tofu with every meal.

Tofu, so help us.

Tofu to a red-meat nosher is as offensive as serving pork chops would be to his good Jewish friends the Goldsteins.

It’s a matter of how you order things – what we regard as a pest can be shipped to the US as pets

Alf this morning is admiring the enterprise of a Kiwi business that exports wallabies to the United States for sale in pet shops.

We are well rid of the wallabies which are (a) Australian and (b) pests, although some of Alf’s mates reckon that once a creature has been identified as Australian we can take it for granted it is a pest.

Alas, the company doing the exporting has been dragged into an international probe into animal cruelty.

Rotorua-based Dama Exporters was dobbed in to the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries (MAF) by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).