If Murray Deaker had been watching his P’s and Q’s, he would have avoided the N word

The Dambusters with Guy Gibson (Richard Todd) and his dog whose name should not be mentioned in polite company.

So what does sports commentator Murray Deaker have in common with a celebrity hairdresser and a perfumier? They have all startled people and maybe upset some by using the N word.

The thing is, it has become increasingly naughty to use the N word over recent decades as attitudes change and its offensiveness is increased.

Alf wouldn’t mind betting he would be in bigger trouble if he publicly used the N word than if he brought the C word into play.

If a bloke can’t smoke a fag any more, will he be able to set light to a few faggots?

Yes, it's a fag - and he has the butt end near his mouth.

Back in 1988, Mark Todd featured in Sports Illustrated after winning his gold medal on Charisma at the Seoul Olympics.

At that time it was the horse’s age – not Todd’s – that drew comment.

Charisma was as old as any horse at Seoul, and surely the smallest. At the team awards ceremony, he really did look like a pony standing beside 11 real horses, and the scene was all the more bizarre when the riders dismounted and the tiny horse’s man stood head and shoulders above the other 11 riders.

But the star of the item was Todd, then aged 32, who was raised on a farm and had been riding since he was seven.

He has wavy brown hair that shines copper in the sun when he doffs his helmet.

He smokes Silk Cut cigarettes, and so there is a timeless quality to him as he stands there in his classic riding costume, razor thin, handsome and elegant—the way all people in cigarette advertisements, going to the hounds, used to look

That’s Alf’s memory of him in those days, too.

Why Gore’s top cop should be busted to the rank of school bus driver

Alf is profoundly disturbed by the actions of the Gore cops who charged a schoolbus driver for assaulting a schoolboy.

He is especially disturbed to hear that Gore’s top cop, Senior Sergeant Steve Gregory, has defended his decision to prosecute the veteran driver.

This Gregory bugger says the police would do it again, given the same circumstances.

Sad to say, the 70-year-old driver, Jim McCorkindale, of Gore, has decided to quit his job.

This is understandable, in the circumstances.

Whuck it all, wy not just rename the place and call it Wankernui

Alf is all for renaming the city at the mouth of the Whanganui River. He would call it Wankernui, after its infamous loud-mouthed mayor.

His thinking is influenced by the carry-on of Mayor Michael Laws after TVNZ decided it would go with the “H”.

Laws condemned a TV One News editorial decision – announced during its primetime bulletin – that it would spell Wanganui as ”Whanganui” and pronounce it as “Faa-ganui” – as “anti-democratic, PC garbage”.