The odds aren’t great that the new prince will be called Alfred – but Alfred was a great King

July 23, 2013

The Grumbles have just framed the nice letter they received from a flunky in the household of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Our advice on a name for the royal baby – we were pleased to know – had been greatly appreciated by the royal couple.

The framed letter will sit proudly on the mantlepiece.

The name we suggested, of course, was Alfred.

We drew the prince’s attention to these critical details about his royal predecessor, who was one of England’s early monarchs and the only one to be called “the Great”.

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It’s a bloody outrage – a bloke from Zimbabwe will be at the wedding while the Grumbles watch on TV

April 29, 2011

Alf will be proud to place his whisky glass on this Prince William & Kate Middleton Wedding Commemorative Coaster.

Alf was delighted to read of the Royalist leanings of Aaron Hape and Chloe Oldfield, who strike him as being a splendid couple (and probably worth recruiting into the National Party).

According to the Dom-Post, they will be celebrating the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton tonight under red, white and blue streamers and before a portrait of the Queen.

Mr Hape said they were expecting about 30 guests – who have all been asked to dress for the occasion, whatever their views on the monarchy – at the party at their flat in Brooklyn, Wellington.

“I’ve asked people to come in formal dress, and I’ll be making cucumber sandwiches.”

Alf wouldn’t bother inviting anyway who was not a staunch monarchist.

But he admires the 19-year-old Victoria University student who apparently co-ordinates the Wellington arm of Monarchy New Zealand.

He admires his taste in sheilas, too.

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Must taxpayers pick up the tab for the first of the next line of royals to be conceived in NZ?

December 5, 2010

Alf is top of the list of the country’s ardent monarchists – or somewhere near it.

But he is bothered by a proposal to have the Government offer Prince William and Kate Middleton an all-expenses paid honeymoon to New Zealand to create a “fairytale” tourism driver.

It’s not the Government that will pay, see. It will be the taxpayer.

And Alf is always anxious to look after the best interests of taxpayers.

If someone else can pick up the tab, they should.

Alf moreover gets the whiff of opportunism from a Diana Moore, who operates the $10,000-a-night Lake Okareka Lodge near Rotorua.

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Bishop Pete obviously forgot the line of command when he exposed himself as a republican

November 24, 2010

Could he be a defrocked bishop?

Alf reckons he can explain the accompanying picture.

It shows a man who was captured on Google Street View. He apparently is climbing into the boot of his car while naked.

A dog lies nearby surrounded by the contents of the sports car’s boot.

The image has prompted a rash of internet speculation over what activity the man could be involved in.

Alf’s firm suspicion is that he is a defrocked bishop, probably stripped of his clerical raiment for saying outrageously provocative things about The Royal Family.

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Great stuff for dim-wits – the so-called news from Parliament is that tax is on the Government agenda

January 19, 2010

Alf was jolted awake this morning by the babblings of a Radio New Zealand news reader.

This news reader earnesstly told the country:

Tax is back on the Government’s agenda for the start of 2010, with a tax working group due to issue its final report on Wednesday.

Back on the Government’s agenda?

When was it taken off the bloody agenda?

The issue was big deal when the government set up the working party in March last year and – Alf is assured when he raises the matter at caucus meetings – it remains big deal.

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Welcome Prince William – what a shame we don’t behead anti-royalist rabble nowadays

January 17, 2010

Unabashed royalists like Alf are chuffed that Prince William arrives in New Zealand today for a three-day visit.

He will be there, enthusiastically waving his Union Jack and wearing his tie with the Queen’s face emblazoned on it, when William touches down in Auckland just after 11am.

The prince’s first task will be to visit Eden Park to see redevelopment work and be briefed on plans for next year’s Rugby World Cup.

On Monday, he will attend a wreathlaying ceremony at the National War Memorial in Wellington.

But then – if it hasn’t happened already – the poor bugger will be exposed to the repugnant antics of some of our more odious citizens.

A bunch of protesters is intending to turn up when the prince opens the Supreme Court building in Wellington tomorrow.

Alf is ashamed to say some of our members of Parliament will be among the protesters.

He yearns for the good old days – a few centuries back – when your royals could have ordered the beheading of these rabble-rousing bastards.

In this case they are left-leaning trouble-makers, so their beheadings would lift the nation’s average IQ with two swings of an axe and do good things for the gene pool.

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