Cam is getting a whale of unwanted publicity while Alf is damn near blubbering about being forgotten

August 14, 2014
So who was the MP caught by surprise when this thing exploded?

So who was the MP caught by surprise when this thing exploded?

Must admit to being more than somewhat miffed today.

Lots of muck is being flung about leaked emails and political dirty tricks and what-have-you.

But dammit, Alf’s name has not been mentioned once in despatches. At least, not so far as he is aware.

This reinforces the strong suspicion he has long harboured about the news media having a snitch against him.

What does he have to do to be sneaked into a story, let alone to make it into a headline? Tell racist jokes? Promote the family business while on a taxpayer-funded visit to some foreign land (the firm is Grumble Gewgaws, if you must know)? Be caught by the cops in a compromising position in the gents?

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PM’s chat show highlights the absurdity of differing interpretations of electoral law

February 10, 2012

Alf was more than a bit miffed, when Radio Eketahuna (also known as 2ZE FM) declined his suggestion they give him a stint behind the microphone for a few hours a month or so ago.

He promised his chat show would be an election-free zone – he would steer clear of political stuff and talk instead about his cat, Coronation Street, Mrs Grumble’s gardening prowess and the secret of her prize-winning pumpkins, how to pour a whisky and so on.

He would conduct a few interviews with the likes of Colin Meads, The Mad Butcher and Fred Dagg.

Buckingham Palace advised him Her Majesty never did media interviews with anybody as a matter of strict principle and hence would not be available.

Never mind. Alf hoped to get Lucy Lawless in her stead.

He thought this idea was a shoo-in.

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The PM could save Coro Street – by sacking Coleman and giving Broadcasting to Alf, for example

October 1, 2011

Mrs Grumble became deeply depressed, a couple of days back. We can blame the mandarins at TVNZ for her condition. The deranged bastards in charge of programming have decided to break the habit of a lifetime and switch the screening time for Coronation Street.

They have done what? her ever-loving husband asked.

They are moving Coro Street from its usual 7.30pm slot on Tuesdays and Thursdays to 5.30pm, she reiterated.

And then came the vituperative demand: “What is your bloody government going to do about it?”

We can put her very rare use of the word “bloody” down to her deep and palpable anguish.

But she had a point.

TVNZ is state-owned.

We Nats are running the government these days – and will be for the next several years, on the strength of the opinion polls.

So why not some good old-fashioned Muldoonist ministerial intervention?

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Talking about fat – isn’t that a fitting word to describe Michael Laws’ mouth?

October 10, 2010

Alf shares David Farrar’s disapproval of Radio host Michael Laws for calling Governor-General Sir Anand Satyanand a “large, fat man” who has “never left” the buffet table.

The absurdity of the remark is obvious to a clear-thinking bloke like Alf: most New Zealanders have seen photos of Sir Anand at functions, such as investiture ceremonies, where he is nowhere near a buffet table.

He has to leave the buffet table to do the paper work that turns bills into laws.

And while Alf has not actually seen the GG in bed, he imagines he does sleep in one, and not on a buffet tble.

And so on…

In short, Laws has been lean on facts and obese on fatuousness.

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