Invitation to Eric Joyce: come Down Under, mate, and teach the MPs here how to toughen up

April 23, 2012

Learning how to butt heads and come out the winner would be useful at Question Time.

Never thought it would be written here. But Trevor Mallard is a pussy cat.

Mallard – it might be remembered – escaped an assault charge when he was Minister for the Environment after an altercation with National MP Tau Henare by pleading guilty to the lesser charge of fighting in a public place.

But fair to say, Trev is thoroughly genteel when compared with Britain’s Eric Joyce, who recently was convicted of four counts of assault and – when asked to tally the number of people he has thumped over the years -reckons it’s probably 100.

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Let’s not take BBC bloke so bloody seriously – but this isn’t Paradise for tourists, either

January 13, 2012

Why would a Yorkshireman want to come here...

...when he can admire this scenery every day?

Just because a bloke is a radio host does not mean he should be taken seriously.

To the contrary, anything and everything your typical radio host says should be dismissed as grist for the mill of entertaining and amusing an audience of people who can’t afford television sets.

Hence Alf is astonished to find how much excitement has been generated by a BBC radio host by name of Toby Foster.

As things turn out, this feller tells us he was “just having a bit of a laugh” when he slagged Kiwis as “crazy” and “boring” and said that New Zealand had “sod all” except for earthquakes on his breakfast radio programme on Monday.

BBC Radio Sheffield’s Toby Foster had a rant after wrongly reporting that an Australian woman, who survived a plunge into Africa’s crocodile-infested Zambezi River when her bungy cord snapped, was Kiwi.

He said yesterday: “It was quarter to nine on a Monday morning, I was just having a bit of a laugh.”

So how does Toby Foster get his laughs?

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Flabbergasted cyclists should dismount and see things from the perspective of a frustrated motorist

July 12, 2010

Alf has spent a great deal of motoring time muttering about the road behaviour of cyclists who are impeding his progress.

Maybe he has even shouted abuse at the buggers, although he would prefer that his constituents were never made aware of this inclination to do something verging on road rage.

Cyclists are especially irksome on yellow-line stretches. You can’t pass them without breaking the law, which (as a legislator) is something Alf would never do. Hence he must drive behind the cyclists at a pace that is infuriating slow.

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How can you avoid the traffic jams when you return from holiday? By living in Eketahuna

January 4, 2010

There are many good reasons for living in Eketahuna. Among them, you don’t get caught up in traffic jams when you drive home from holiday.

Alf accordingly is feeling smug this morning as he reads of the advice being doled out to holidaymakers heading back to Auckland today. They are being urged to take a different route to avoid one of the most heavily congested roads at this time of the year.

And, presumably, to avoid going down with a dose of road rage.

Heavy traffic on State Highway One just north of Auckland has been building since yesterday, as people head back to town in time for work tomorrow.

But the NZ Transport Agency last night urged people to travel on SH16 – expected to be significantly less busy.

“There’s around 13,500 vehicles coming back into Auckland so people should plan to arrive back in town early in the morning or after 6pm,” a spokesman said last night.

Inspector Heather Wells, the road policing manager for Counties Manukau, is urging drivers to be patient on the roads. She said several accidents during the same period last year were caused by frustrated drivers heading back from holiday.

Alf will be drivng up to Pahiatua some time today. Then he will drive home. And he will not get stuck in a traffic jam.


Mallard cycles into more strife

October 30, 2009

Alf usually gives Labour’s Trevor Mallard a wide berth when he sees him prowling menacingly through the corridors of power, since his come-to with Tau Henare a few years back. You never know when Trev might be overcome by an urge to indulge in a bit more biffo.

Motorists should give the bugger a wide berth too, it seems, although police have yet to get the full story about Mallard’s involvement in a skirmish with a motorist who allegedly upset a group of cyclists which included the MP.

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