Mike Tindall gets the boot from the England rugby squad – but he deserves a bloodier axing

Given the boot ... former England Rugby captain Mike Tindall leaves his Cheltenham home with wife Zara Phillips.

The England rugby squad has been rid of a right royal plonker.

Betcha the Royal Family wish they were rid him of him too.

The embarrassment caused them by the antics of Mike Tindall, who a few months ago married Her Majesty’s grand-daughter, Zara Phillips,is the sort of thing that comes from Royalty marrying commoners.

There was a time when Tindall would have had his head lopped off for besmirching the reputation of the Royals.

Alf would have volunteered his services as axeman, if that penalty remained on the books.

These thoughts on the insidious thinning of good royal blood are triggered by news that –

Sports minister gave French their panache – so what would McCully give the All Blacks?

When it comes to Ministers of Sport, we are at a disadvantage.

So far as Alf can tell, morale is high in the All Black camp a day ahead of the big match with Australia.

Just as well.

If we needed to bring in a political prop to help our team, we would be at a disadvantage.

According to the Herald, when French morale was low, the country flew in its Sports Minister from Paris to rally the Rugby World Cup squad to a quarter-final victory – and he is back again today.

The French Ambassador to New Zealand, Francis Etienne, said the country had followed “good tradition” to call on its leader in times of trouble.

After France’s shock loss to Tonga in its final pool match, Sports Minister David Douillet – a three-time judo world champion – was called on for support.

Hands up and give us your money, sucker – you have entered a fan zone and I’m the law here

It’s daylight robbery and Alf expects Murray McCully – the bloke who has taken personal responsibility for the running of the Rugby World Cup – to do something about it.

He could resign, for example, and the PM could give the job to a more worthy politician. The long-serving, much-admired and hard-working member for Eketahuna North, for example.

Alf refers to the raft of rip-offs associated with the RWC event, the latest being the selling of soft drinks at Rugby World Cup Fan Zones,

True, we only have the Herald on Sunday’s word for it, and the HoS should not be relied on even for telling us what day it is.

But let’s give the buggers the benefit of the doubt on this one.

It says a set price of $5 a bottle has been forced on vendors.

Forced, it should be noted.

The HoS is outraged.

The focus of its outrage is on the plunderous price.

From the land of Sir Les Patterson (would you believe?) – a call for couth at World Cup rugby matches

Let's ask Sir Les if our minister misbehaved.

Dunno what namby-pamby sort of a bloke would be banging on about robust barracking at a rugby match.

But to hear this carry-on from an Aussie…

Alf can only admit to being dumbfounded.

Or rather, he was dumbfounded, until he learned the disapproval of robust barracking had been expressed by a journalist.

Nuff said.

The journo is Greg Growden, from the Sydney Morning Herald, and he regards it as a badge of honour that Prime Minister John Key described his Ruck and Maul as a “gossip column”.

This Growden tosser has caused something of a fuss by writing that one of our Ministers made a scene during the Wallabies’ opening Rugby World Cup game at North Harbour stadium on Sunday.

If you must take in a show at Westpac’s expense, surely you can do better than Bon Jovi

This should have been the focus of the Greens' song and dance about hospitality.

Alf is more than miffed with the wretched Greens today.

The buggers have been kicking up a fuss about the way Westpac has been treating some of our Ministers.

Westpac – like any bank – does not score highly for being generous and should be encouraged to be hospitable to all sorts of people.

Kicking up a hullabaloo about its treatment of politicians is apt to have them back out of being hospitable and to revert to being the mean-minded bunch of bastards with which most of us are familiar.

The grouchy Greens are likely to have prompted Westpac to revisit its hospitality policy.

Bread and circuses are prescribed to pacify the mob but an entertainment centre should do the trick

And if we run out of elephants, we could teach Gerry to sit up like this.

Alf is anticipating a bit of a hullabaloo from a raft of community groups that need weaning off government handouts.

The buggers are complaining today about the Government’s cutting $1.5 million from the Community Organisations Grants Scheme and giving it to four areas of its choosing.

Just imagine their chagrin when they find out about the $650,000 for rugby parties the Government is handing out in Christchurch.

More specifically, according to the Ministerial statement, the dosh is for a new temporary entertainment and performance events village to be set up in North Hagley Park.

The money will be ladelled from the Major Events Development Fund, according to the announcement today from Canterbury Earthquake Recovery Minister Gerry Brownlee and Acting Economic Development Minister David Carter.

This is bloody good politics.

Christchurch needs cheering up after being constantly shaken up, and the poor buggers will be missing out on the Rugby World Cup matches that had been scheduled for their city before the earthquakes scuttled those plans.

The community workers who are being starved of funds are bleeding hearts who probably vote Labour.

Ratepayers beware – investing in the waka business can leave you short-changed

Paid for by Wellington ratepayers but housed in Lower Hutt.

It’s not going to attract Alf, if it happens.

But Auckland Mayor Len Brown wants waka racing included in the annual Auckland Anniversary regatta on Waitemata harbour.

As we are reminded by Radio NZ National, the day marks the arrival in Tamaki Makaurau in 1840 of Governor William Hobson.

In the city’s early days, Mr Brown said it included waka and whale boat races.

He told Waatea News that a return of those events would be ”brilliant”.

Alf can’t see what’s stopping anyone wanting to race their waka from going right ahead and racing.

Mind you, festooning the Waitemata Harbour with enough waka to crowd out the yachts would bring that “City of Sails” stuff into question.

The “City of Paddlers” doesn’t have the same ring.

Taxpayers will avoid a capital farce by putting ownership of a plastic waka directly into Maori hands

If they built a waka similar to this, which end would be the bow?

The Herald today is headlining a story about another handout to hapu.

The opening paragraph of the report says the Government’s gift of almost $2 million to the hapu to build a plastic waka for the Rugby World Cup has drawn outrage from some MPs.

But outrage, or any response of a critical nature, is bound to be the stuff of sour-grapes politicking from pissed off Opposition MPs who wish they had thought of it first.

The money being extracted from your pockets and mine, dear constituent, is going to a good cause.

Super City poobahs are monkeying with the councillors – but who has the balls to publicly say so?

Maybe they would make great Super City councillors.

Alf is always suspicious of politicians who make a fuss anonymously rather than stand up to be counted when they go out to do battle on behalf of those who pay their wages.

He is suspicious of public service poobahs, too, whether they work for central government or local government.

The buggers are much too inclined to operate under the cover of secrecy.

Hence he is not surprised to hear that senior officers in the Super Slum City are being accused of holding back information from Auckland councillors to stifle public debate on extra funding for the Rugby World Cup.

But he is disappointed to learn that the bugger who claims to be intent on flushing out this nonsense is operating under cover, too.

When rugby comes into calculations, a feller called Michael Field is apt to drop the ball

The Sunday Star-Times has skated defty around a bit of conjecture about our next Governor-General that it published last week.

On its website this morning Alf found a piece by a scribe called Hubbard who says our next governor-general has risen from humble beginnings to the highest post in the land.

Alf had hoped this high post would have gone to him.

But Jerry Mateparae got the job, and Hubbard says –

Everyone who knows Mateparae uses the same words to describe him: “Modest, quiet, a gentleman.”

Hubbard could have said the same thing about Alf, if things had gone differently.

But let’s go back a week.

The SST then was reporting some stuff by a Michael Field.