If they are wearing red they must be members of the Mongrel Mob – right?

January 4, 2012

Here’s hoping the cops soon catch the tosser(s) who stabbed and beat a young man to within an inch of his life in Napier – apparently for wearing a red top.

If they are not caught and locked away for a long time, anyone wearing red will be at risk.

The 24-year-old victim of the New Year’s Day attack was stabbed in the abdomen and suffered significant head trauma and broken ribs in the attack.

The inquiry is headed by Acting Detective Senior Sergeant Emmet Lynch, who said a member of the public who had been in the area during the 2am attack had come forward.

This witness said the group responsible had been using gang language linked to Black Power.

Mr Lynch said neither of the victims had any gang associations and had not provoked the offenders in any way.

One of the pair had however been wearing a red top – the colours of the rival Mongrel Mob gang – and it was believed that sparked the attack.

Alf draws attention to the horrendous implications, when (os should we say “if”) Black Power thugs beat the crap out of anyone they spot wearing red garments.

Little Red Riding Hood would have taken a thrashing, if she happened by while these tossers were looking for rivals in red raiment. Doubtless she would have been ravished for good measure.

Members of the Poyntzpass Silver Band, from a village in Northern Ireland, would be vulnerable to being duffed up. Black Power would probably mistake their instruments for weapons.

The Liverpool soccer team is susceptible to being mistaken for Mongrel Mobsters, too.

The same goes for Chelsea pensioners, from the Royal Hospital Chelsea, a retirement home and nursing home for former members of the British Army.

Come to think of it, the Chelsea Pensioners are a much more likely target for Black Power than the Liverpool soccer team, because they are much older and frailer, and Black Power bullies would be disinclined to try to beat up anyone who looked vaguely likely to hit back.

Much worse than the propositions set out so far, imagine the outcome if Black Power spotted Santa Claus with his sackful of goodies.

One elderly gentleman in red would be no match for a bunch of thugs, and the outcome would be dire for all the little children whose houses Santa had not yet visited. Their Christmas would be ruined.

To avert such a calamity, Alf would have the Black Power rounded up a few weeks before Christmas every year and banged up until Santa had finished his chores.

Actually, Alf would then be tempted to throw away the keys to cells where the Black Power members were banged up, which – oh dear, what a shame, never mind – would mean they could never be released.

Santa’s workload has been calculated – he has just two minutes to deliver presents to Kiwi kids

December 27, 2011

Alf has stumbled upon the answer to a question that has puzzled him for as long as he can remember.

The question is: what exactly is Santa’s Christmas Eve workload?

The job obviously is formidable.

There are 728,000 or so kids in this country alone.

Not only must Santa get around the world in 24 hours on a sleigh driven by reindeer, but he must scramble up and down millions of chimneys with a sackful of presents.

And he does his delivering in the dark.

But in the many pictures of him, have you ever seen soot on his suit?

And have you studied the size of his sleigh, then asked how many presents it could actually carry?

Philip Bump, at The Atlantic, obviously has been puzzled by these things, too.

He answers the question about the workload here.

He has considered the number of Christian children in the world and the geographic distribution of those children.

And he has come up with these findings:

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Christmas and family: the royals are among those who won’t all be together today

December 25, 2011

The Grumbles prefer fir.

Christmas is a big family occasion for the Grumbles, as it is for many people.

But a quick glimpse at the on-line news this Christmas morning shows experiences around the country – and the world – differ markedly.

For starters, some families might not be able to get together because of sickness.

Most notably, this includes the Royal Family: Prince Philip has been laid low and is in hospital.

On the other hand, some families won’t get together because some of them are behind bars.

So how generously will the taxpayer be treating these law-breakers?

Stuff gives the answer –

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Do Auckland grinches really want to stop the Santa Parade – and are the buggers Greenies?

November 16, 2011

He doesn't have to dress in Labour Party red...

Alf reluctantly concedes he might have over-imbibed in the stuff that got Zac Guildford into trouble.

No, let’s get this straight: he did not and never has turned up naked where he shouldn’t have, or otherwise engaged in offensive carry-on.

It’s his memory that’s the problem. It could be on the blink, like Guildford’s.

Mind you, The Boss seems to be having memory problems, too, when it comes to recalling what he said or didn’t say about oldies during his chat with John Banks.

In Alf’s case, the memory problem stems from something he thinks he heard from Radio NZ about some tossers in Auckland trying to stop or limit the city’s Santa Parade.

Stop the Santa Parade?

What mean-minded bastards would try to do that?

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