Give us a break – you don’t have to increase your rumpy-pumpy to look younger

July 7, 2013

It mightn’t be the elixir of life, but it certainly gives rise to new life.

Alf refers, of course, to copulation.

There’s been a bit of it going on – obviously – because when Mrs Grumble checked around 6.20pm today with a site here that keeps track of the world’s population, there had been 276,600 births during the day and net population growth of around 158,000 because not enough oldies were popping off to make way for the newcomers.

The net population is bound to keep growing at an increasing pace, if people put into practice the advice conveyed in a report in the The Telegraph (here). It recommends sex as the secret to looking younger.

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Keeping fit between the sheets – survey finds one in five Poms get their exercise from sex

February 14, 2013
As good as a gymnasium.

As good as a gymnasium.

It’s jogging for some Kiwis, golf for some, or simply taking a brisk walk.

But Alf suspects that the British experience, when it comes to exercise, is by and large replicated in this country too.

If this be so, it means a significant number of us do our exercising (a) in bed and (b) in the buff by (c) indulging in good old-fashioned rumpy-pumpy.

The source of this intelligence is to be found here.

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Does their allergic reaction to nuts require some women to go looking for blokes without any?

October 11, 2011

One way of avoiding an allergic reaction to nuts.

Alf is fascinated by news of a young woman who has become the first person to suffer an allergic reaction to nuts triggered through having sex.

The 20-year-old’s unnamed boyfriend apparently scoffed a handful of Brazil nuts just before they engaged in good old-fashioned rumpy-pumpy.

Because she recently had found out she was seriously allergic to nuts, she asked him to take extreme precautions.

We are not referring here to condoms.

Nope, the bloke brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth out, washed his hands and scrubbed under his fingernails, according to science-technology website io9.

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The Code of Practice has been revised, but it doesn’t seem to deal with hosts being cuckolded

July 23, 2010

Bugger me, Alf muttered in his inimitable way on learning of yet another outrageous demand of our fiscally strapped public services.

A bloke on Auckland’s North Shore (and we should not be surprised to learn an Aucklander is involved) wants the Education Ministry to issue guidelines on sexual matters.

Alas, the report in the Herald does not make plain to whom this bloke believes the guidelines should be issued.

But Alf’s strong suspicion is that the bloke might want them issued to his missus, 45 years old and frisky, because he found her having sex with a teenage foreign student the couple were hosting.

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No fornication without sterilisation

April 29, 2009

Plant & Food Research spin doctors know how to grab attention.

Their latest media release is headed “Sex used as weapon against moths”.

Wow. Sounds like much more fun than firing rockets, dropping bombs, or whatever.

Alf accordingly was strongly tempted to do his bit for Queen and country and go down to enlist. But before going to Google to find the location of the local recruiting centre, he was tartly reminded by Mrs Grumble that he might not be considered able-bodied on the grounds his sexual prowess nowadays is reliant on heavy doses of Viagra.

As it turned out, he (and other readers of the statement) have been conned.

The headline was simply intended to lure him – like a moth to a flame – to news that:

Insect experts from around the world will meet in New Zealand this week to discuss novel insecticide-free ways of controlling moth pests.

Plant & Food Research is hosting global leaders in the field of moth control using the sterile insect technique at the first meeting of the United Nations Joint Food and Agriculture / International Atomic Energy Agency project in Christchurch.

The sterile insect technique involves irradiating insects to render them infertile before releasing them into the environment. Wild insects waste time and energy mating with these numerous sterile insects, but produce no offspring, eventually leading to a reduction in the overall insect population.

The week-long meeting will include presentations by leading scientists in the field, with attendees from 14 countries.