Sure, Larry has billions of dollars, but obviously not enough to help his Warkworth company’s R&D

April 24, 2015
Driven by a fair wind and a nice Kiwi subsidy...

Driven by a fair wind and a nice Kiwi subsidy…

Alf’s mates in the Eketahuna Club are pretty keen for him to have a chat with Steven Joyce about some of the R&D funding handouts he loves to toss to people who seriously look like they don’t much need it.

They are livid that some of this boodle has been tossed to Oracle’s boatbuilder – potentially worth up to $17.25 million, according to media reports.

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Pretty legal? If Steven Joyce was wrong, things could turn ugly in Eminem copyright case?

February 11, 2015

Alf has every confidence in the outcome of the Eminem legal action against the National Party, which apparently will have its first day in court next week when lawyers for both sides meet to discuss process.

His constituents are well aware of the background, because it was a topic for discussion down at the Eketahuna Club just before the election.

That’s when some outfit based in Detroit, Eminem Publishers, announced it was suing National for alleged copyright infringement.

The company was arguing our original rowing-themed advertisement had a riff similar to that of Lose Yourself, the theme song for 8 Mile in which Eminem played a struggling rapper.

At that time the National Party responded by saying it believed it had correctly licensed the song from bodies which were established to represent the rights of artists in this part of the world.

But this Eminem mob are a persistent bunch, as we learned here at Stuff today:

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Golfers shouldn’t be handicapped – or barred from the trough – just because they fail a poverty test

December 24, 2014
It's just a case of making the right pitch to have the millions spent here...

It’s just a case of making the right pitch to have the millions spent here…

Alf’s good mate Steven Joyce is a beneficent bugger – a sort of Father Christmas for the well-off.

He distributes his largesse not on the basis of whether the beneficiary has been good or naughty over the past year, but whether he, she or it mixes in the right circles.

These are circles of people plush with money and an urge to donate to the National Party, usually to ensure against the election of a leftie or greenie government.

Steven accordingly would not have needed too much persuading when asked to consider whether taxpayers should bankroll the New Zealand Open golf tournament.

Too damned right they should.

Some niggly tossers ask: but will there be a positive return?

It doesn’t matter. We don’t get a positive return, so far as Alf can see, from the money biffed at domestic purpose beneficiaries and other people down on their uppers.

Why should golf be different?
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Seymour should ask how many more votes ACT might get if it wasn’t so precious about corporate handouts

December 11, 2014
Then you fill it up with dollars and it's first in, first served...

Then you fill it up with dollars and it’s first in, first served…

Alf admires the aplomb with which his good mate Steven Joyce brushes off any suggestion a Tory Government should not be dishing out a rich swill for corporate oinkers.

If business benefactors find we Tories won’t reward them with a bit of corporate welfare now and again, the bloody economy would grind to a halt because we can be damned sure a pinko government won’t be helping them.

ACT’s David Seymour, who is new to this sort of thing, has a lot to learn because he was putting Parliamentary questions to Joyce yesterday on this subject. Obviously he disapproves of our generosity to Big Business.

He wanted to know if Steven was concerned at the scale of corporate welfare in New Zealand under this Government and if not, why not?

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If you go with Gower, you are backing Bennett and bypassing the blokes who hanker to be next leader

August 24, 2014
"When I say this big, I'm not talking about poll support."

“When I say this big, I’m not talking about her poll support.”

Patrick Gower admits he is a plonker who got it wrong last time. And Alf reckons he has got it wrong this time.

Last time he predicted Crusher was a likely National leader to succeed The Boss.

This time he is putting his money on Paula Bennett.

Alf trusts he is not putting too much money on Paula.

This by no means is meant to reflect unkindly on our splendid Minister for Social Development. When it comes to the crunch – or the crush – pretty well anybody in the National team would make a better prime minister than anyone the lefties or greenies could throw into the ring.

But it does seem Gower has a thing about Rubenesque sheilas with a bit of beef and solid thighs.

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The Boss is taking a break – and Labour should pack Cunliffe off on holiday too (a long one)

July 11, 2014
Alf will pop down to Labour Party branch HQ later in the day with his electioneering advice... advice.

Alf will pop down to the Labour Party’s local branch HQ later in the day with his electioneering advice…

It’s a measure of the confidence streaming through the National Party that The Boss is buggering off with Branagh for a pre-election break.

He had confided in Alf a few days ago about his plans, but the NZ Herald has broken the news publicly today:

With only 71 days to the election, Prime Minister John Key is taking an extended overseas holiday, thought to be at his bolt-hole on the Hawaiian island of Maui.

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We mustn’t shun all wankers – not the ones who could pull together for the export push

June 29, 2014
 Only one in 20 applicants will pass the screening process.

Only one in 20 applicants will pass the screening process.

Alf will be having a chat with Steven Joyce – our splendid Minister of Economic Development – with a very innovative idea he conceived while reading The Telegraph.

He will be proposing New Zealand encourages developing an industry of professional wankers.

Steven is likely to point out that New Zealand already has professional wankers, and there are far too many of the buggers, mainly to be found infesting the Labour and Green Parties, the NZ Party, the Internet Mana Party, some newspapers…

He then is likely to demand:

“So what the fuck are you on about, Alf?”

Or words to that effect.

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