Clarkson thought it was a beach but it turns out to be a sacred Maori site – all 90 miles of it

March 13, 2013
It's the pathway ...to where???

It’s the pathway …to where???

Gotta feel more than a twinge of sympathy for Jeremy Clarkson.

Yeah, he can be a cocky bugger. But he would have thought he was coming to a country where it was enough to seek and get permission from an elected government authority to do what he and the Top Gear team wanted to do.

That is, the BBC team planned to race a car along the sand of the Ninety Mile Beach, requiring it to be closed for 45 minutes.

But faster than The Stig can cover 400 metres down the straight, Clarkson has learned otherwise.

In this country we have ordinary people (the great bulk of us) and we have special people.

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Top Gear could slip into reverse and hire a woman to become The Stig – with a pink helmet!

September 5, 2010


It’s unlikely to be any of the woman drivers who were gathered at the convention pictured here.

Or the woman driver who – if Alf has guessed correctly – pressed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

But William Hill, one of the UK’s largest bookmaking outfits, is placing the odds of the next Stig being a lady at 4-1.

Gamblers can also bet on what colour the next Stig will wear.

Pink – good grief – is holding 5-1 odds.

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Now that The Stig’s visor has been lifted, the BBC should trade him in for a new mystery man

September 2, 2010

The Lone Ranger ... he had the decency to keep his mask on.

It’s as devastating to Alf as learning the truth about Father Christmas and The Tooth Fairy.

And it’s as upsetting as it would have been if anyone had ever unmasked The Lone Ranger.

The Stig has been publicly named.

He and all others who aided and abetted in this outrage should now be shamed. They have ruined Alf’s viewing pleasure.

A racing driver – no surprises there – has been revealed as The Stig after the High Court refused to grant the BBC an injunction blocking the publication the Top Gear star’s autobiography.

Until now, Alf and other aficionados of the TV show were left to wonder who he (or dare Alf suggest she) might be.

There’s absolutely no pleasure in guessing when somone has told you the bloody answer.

Secrecy was essential.
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You can joke about Estelle, but you wouldn’t have laughed about Skoda during the Battle of Jutland

January 2, 2010

You can laugh at this model - but Skoda jokes nowadays are passé.

Alf likes the story of the 12-year old boy who was walking down the main street of Eketahuna when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

“I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car”, said the male driver.

“No way, get stuffed”, replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?” asked the driver?

“No way”, replied the irritated youngster.

“What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY dollars, eh”? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

“No, I’m not getting in the ******* car!” answered the boy.

“OK, I know what you want – I’ll give you $100 and a bag of lollies”, the driver offered.
“NO,” screamed the boy.

“What will it take to get you into the car”? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied: “Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda – you live with it!”

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