Does TVNZ serve a public purpose? Most certainly – its board offers job opportunities for veteran Nats

May 11, 2015

Alf has huge sympathy for the plonkers who run Television New Zealand, even though their outfit has egregiously failed to ever interview him.

These people are arguing they should be allowed to drop some of the election coverage that is required by law because of terrible ratings.

This concern to maintain high ratings does not square with their disinclination or refusal to interview Alf, which he is confident could only lift their ratings hugely.

Even so, there is something objectionable about being forced to broadcast something.

Especially speeches by Labour and Green Party leaders.

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Details of Simon’s alleged deception are not clearcut, but his spiky hair should be

January 22, 2012

This wouldn't pass muster at Mark Perry's school.

A Herald on Sunday report, lamentably lacking in material detail, tells us (a) the cops have complained about a TVNZ reporter, alleging he attempted to deceive relatives of Carterton balloon victims, and (b) the reporter is a bloke by name of Simon Bradwell, who denies any wrongdoing, and (c) TVNZ is standing by the reporter but is looking into the matter.

And now – dear blog reader – you know as much about it as the HoS.

What the HoS knows, of course, is sweet FA because –

Details of the complaint have not been revealed, but Bradwell “vehemently” denies any wrongdoing.

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The PM could save Coro Street – by sacking Coleman and giving Broadcasting to Alf, for example

October 1, 2011

Mrs Grumble became deeply depressed, a couple of days back. We can blame the mandarins at TVNZ for her condition. The deranged bastards in charge of programming have decided to break the habit of a lifetime and switch the screening time for Coronation Street.

They have done what? her ever-loving husband asked.

They are moving Coro Street from its usual 7.30pm slot on Tuesdays and Thursdays to 5.30pm, she reiterated.

And then came the vituperative demand: “What is your bloody government going to do about it?”

We can put her very rare use of the word “bloody” down to her deep and palpable anguish.

But she had a point.

TVNZ is state-owned.

We Nats are running the government these days – and will be for the next several years, on the strength of the opinion polls.

So why not some good old-fashioned Muldoonist ministerial intervention?

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If a bloke can’t smoke a fag any more, will he be able to set light to a few faggots?

April 27, 2011

Yes, it's a fag - and he has the butt end near his mouth.

Back in 1988, Mark Todd featured in Sports Illustrated after winning his gold medal on Charisma at the Seoul Olympics.

At that time it was the horse’s age – not Todd’s – that drew comment.

Charisma was as old as any horse at Seoul, and surely the smallest. At the team awards ceremony, he really did look like a pony standing beside 11 real horses, and the scene was all the more bizarre when the riders dismounted and the tiny horse’s man stood head and shoulders above the other 11 riders.

But the star of the item was Todd, then aged 32, who was raised on a farm and had been riding since he was seven.

He has wavy brown hair that shines copper in the sun when he doffs his helmet.

He smokes Silk Cut cigarettes, and so there is a timeless quality to him as he stands there in his classic riding costume, razor thin, handsome and elegant—the way all people in cigarette advertisements, going to the hounds, used to look

That’s Alf’s memory of him in those days, too.

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A thought for Pene – if the people who need rescuing aren’t Maori, what then?

March 10, 2011

But if it's not a Maori dog, shouldn't we leave it for someone else to rescue?

There’s a New Zealand rugby team, the All Blacks. So Maori wanted their own team, the Maori All Blacks.

New Zealand has a public broadcasting corporation, TVNZ. So Maori demanded and got their own TV corporation, Maori Television.

New Zealand has a government broadcasting funding agency, NZ On Air, which invests your money and mine in a range of local television, radio, music and new media content “to extend choices for New Zealand audiences”. Oh, and NZ on Air has a Maori Innovation fund ($1 million) for the creation of innovative, primetime Māori television programmes. Applications close 5pm, 15 April. But sure enough, Maori wanted their own funding agency and so we have Te Mangai Paho which makes funding available (your money and mine) to the national network of Maori radio stations and for the production of Maori language television programmes, radio programmes and music CDs.

We have Sportsman (and Sportswoman) of the Year Awards open to all. And so, inevitably, Maori had to have their own sports awards (non-Maori keep out).

We have elections at which all New Zealanders can vote in general electorates. But then there’s a cluster of Maori seats in which your eligibility to vote is determined by your ethnicity.

Yep. You’ve got to be one of our special indigenous people to vote in these electorates.

We have a civil defence force that has been doing a splendid job in the aftermath of the Christchurch earthquake. And so – it had to happen – some bugger has popped up to suggest it’s time for a Maori civil defence force.

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A blind eye is turned to Waitangi Day koha – so can other businesses charge discriminatory fees?

February 3, 2011

Horatio Nelson...he would have spotted the discrimination even if he looked with his blind eye.

Alf was driven yesterday to question what is so big deal about the Maori way of sorting out Hone Harawira’s differences with the rest of his Maori Party caucus.

Today he is looking into The Maori Way of plundering the Pakeha news media.

At first glimpse it seems calculated to land the buggers in big trouble with the Race Relations police.

Plans are afoot to impose a $1000 fee on the general media to go on to a marae on Waitangi Day, but no fee will be imposed on Maori media.

Hello.

Does anyone get the faintest whiff of discrimination here?

Alf imagines opening up a business – let’s say – as a barber.

He will offer free haircuts to the general population.

But if you are a Maori he will whop you with a $50 charge for his services.

No, he won’t go broke, because long before his capital has evaporated we can count on a warning shot being fired across his bows by Joris de Bres, and if the warning is ignored, he will be prosecuted.

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When India gives its dalits a fair shake, maybe we can take its racism complaints more seriously

October 8, 2010

Dalit street sweeper.

So Paul Henry is a bloody big dipstick.

Yep, we know that.

And he is popular with TVNZ viewers.

Yep, we know that, too, which presumably means TVNZ is watched by lots of dipsticks.

And yep, he has an overwhelming urge to express his racist thoughts on air when they flit into his head, which seems to be quite often.

He will even share them with the PM.

Our Governor-General has had the great good sense not to make a fuss about racist remarks to which he was subjected by the irrepresslble Henry (irrepressible until his bosses suspended the bugger, that is).

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But if we muzzle Paul Henry, don’t we have to muzzle the Duke of Edinburgh, too?

October 5, 2010

Well, well, well. Look who is demanding more than an apology from TV presenter Paul Henry over the daft comments he made about Governor-General Sir Anand Satyanand.

Yep. The bloody Race Relations Commissioner.

Most people – Alf supposes – know that Henry was interviewing Prime Minister John Key when he suggested Sir Anand’s successor should look and sound more like a New Zealander.

“Are you going to choose a New Zealander who looks and sounds like a New Zealander this time … Are we going to go for someone who is more like a New Zealander this time?”

Oooh. Crass, provocative and highly offensive.

Racist, too, let’s make no mistake.

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What’s in a name? A chance to win cheap laughs if you are confronted with a name like Dikshit

October 3, 2010

Hyacinth Bucket - or Bouquet? And how would Paul Henry handle it if it were spelled Fucket???

Paul Henry is back in the gun after calling an Indian politician Dix-Shit.

He’s not the only one, as Kiwiblog points out. Many presenters can’t help doubling up with laughter when they mention the name of Delhi’s Chief Minister, which happens to be Sheila Dikshit, although it seems it is pronounced Dixit.

A sophisticated bloke would know that the spelling of a surname often gives no clue to how it should be pronounced. Marjoribanks, for example. Or Death. Or Bucket.

And a professional broadcaster would want to get it right.

Hence Henry should have got it right when – according to the HoS –

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Let’s see if a $3000 vacuum cleaner can present an appropriate intellectual challenge for Paul Henry

June 9, 2010

What can a $3000 vacuum cleaner do that can’t be done by cheaper vacuum cleaners?

Alf would like to think such a super gadget not only can suck up every bit of dust in your house, but can grind coffee, send e-mails, play your favourite DVDs, massage your feet and roast a lump of lamb for good measure.

He raises the issue on learning of the warning being sounded by a widow who felt pressured into buying a $3000 vacuum cleaner.

Joy Peffers, 70, of Lower Hutt, bought the vacuum cleaner about two weeks ago, after a saleswoman came to her house in the guise of delivering a thank-you gift for completing a phone survey.

Now her family is preparing to lay a complaint with the Commerce Commission, saying the company – Living Longer New Zealand – pressured her into the sale.

Alf is bound to say the gadget has a wonderfully enticing name – it’s an Envirotect vacuum cleaner.
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