Falkenstein is fair fuming – but if a Whale flattened an offensive against fizz, so what?

August 15, 2014


A bloke can stick up a water tank and collect the stuff when it falls on the roof. For free.

Alf refers, of course, to water.

It’s something he prefers to avoid, although he does consume his share of it in his tea and coffee. And some of his mates put a drop of it into their whisky.

If you don’t get it straight from the skies and into a water tank, which is true for most people nowadays, you can turn a tap and it will flow into a jug, your kitchen sink or the bath.

This being so it has seemed odd to Alf that anyone would want to buy their water in a plastic bottle from the supermarket, then have to hump it home.

But it takes all sorts, eh?

And when there are customers bursting to buy their water in plastic bottles at a supermarket, there will will be someone willing to supply it.

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No, their water has not been cut off, but the slow flow raises questions about who owns it

March 9, 2013

The question of who owns water has been raised by some fascinating goings-on in the Manawatu-Tararua region.

Local Maori elders haven’t yet popped up to complain they haven’t been consulted. Or to claim that it’s their water.

But a betting bloke would put money on them doing at least one of those two things some time soon.

The goings-on that are the subject of this post are reported here.

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Thanks for the cultural reprimand, Tuku – but now go and check out how long water has been here

September 17, 2012

Alf remembers Tuku Morgan as a bloke with a high regard for his nether regions, which he adorned in top-quality undies.

This is noted at Wikipedia (here), which reminds us that during Tuku’s term in Parliament he was involved in a number of controversies.

One scandal in 1997 revolved around his spending NZ$4000 of Aotearoa Television funds on clothes including a pair of $89 underpants.

Mrs Grumble admires a fellow who dresses well and while she questioned whether the public should have funded Tuku’s shopping for a wardrobe, she could not fault the splendid way he looked after being mockered up in $4000 worth of duds, although (she confided to her sister-in-law) she would rather have liked to see him in his undies.

As things turned out, his parliamentary career didn’t last all that long and he has finished up as an adviser or a courtier or whatever in the court of King Tuheitia.

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Enterprising All Blacks should be offside with all of us until they start peddling the water of life

December 20, 2009
A good reason to

Want to know why we should avoid water? Here's what frisky fish do to it with their spawning habits.

The All Blacks too often leave Alf disappointed, for their antics off the field as well as their performances on it.

The three All Blacks accused of short-changing former partners in a bottled water business serve as an example.

Richie McCaw, Dan Carter and Ali Williams have been accused of collecting business contacts from three associates in one company, then dumping them to set up a rival operation.

But Carter and McCaw’s lawyer Warren Alcock strongly rejected the allegations yesterday.

“I’ve been advising Richie for 10 years and Dan for about eight, and I have never known them in anything they’ve done – in life, business or rugby – that hasn’t been above the line,” he said.

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A dry argument about owning water

October 30, 2009

Alf apologises for being somewhat tardy in reporting a significant ruling from Mr Speaker yesterday.

He has been minded to alert readers to the ruling while adding a bit of water to his scotch and musing on ownership rights to his drink and its contents.

Mr Speaker said nobody owns water.

This could be put to the test, of course, by running off without paying for a few bottles of the stuff sold in fancy plastic containers at an outrageous price to fuckwit consumers.

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Looking on the sunny side down south

May 3, 2009

Invercargill looks an unlikely winner of the sunniest-city title, and its local newspaper editor seems to be only too aware of that reality.

Hence he tartly points out (in respect of the spat between Blenheim and Whakatane about which of them is entitled to be crowned New Zealand’s sunshine capital) that this is

less widely known as the Melanoma-Risk Capital.

He does not go further and claim the least-melanoma-risky title for his city.

As for the city with the most sunshine:
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