Falkenstein is fair fuming – but if a Whale flattened an offensive against fizz, so what?

August 15, 2014


A bloke can stick up a water tank and collect the stuff when it falls on the roof. For free.

Alf refers, of course, to water.

It’s something he prefers to avoid, although he does consume his share of it in his tea and coffee. And some of his mates put a drop of it into their whisky.

If you don’t get it straight from the skies and into a water tank, which is true for most people nowadays, you can turn a tap and it will flow into a jug, your kitchen sink or the bath.

This being so it has seemed odd to Alf that anyone would want to buy their water in a plastic bottle from the supermarket, then have to hump it home.

But it takes all sorts, eh?

And when there are customers bursting to buy their water in plastic bottles at a supermarket, there will will be someone willing to supply it.

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Cases of whisky – and keeping them safe – help make the case for voting against Scottish independence

August 13, 2014
But has he thought through the implications for the whisky trade?

But has he thought through the implications for the whisky trade?

Alf had not intended joining the many celebrities who are urging the Scots to vote against independence.

He was confident the thorough debate now under way in the UK would result in Scotland remaining proudly British.

But something he was reading in the Daily Mail prompted a change of heart – just to make sure the good people of Scotland were not mindless to the implications of a “yes” vote for important industries like whisky-making. Or should that be an “och, aye” vote?

The news that has unnerved the Member for Eketahuna North is that Scotland will be left without any weapons to defend itself if it votes for independence and refuses to take on its share of UK debt.


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Pharmac has recognised the need for special measures to help Maori take their medicine

August 7, 2014
A spoonful of sugar helps.

A spoonful of sugar helps.

Alf did not appreciate – until today – how blessed he is to be able to take his medicine.

He does not refer on this occasion to a daily shot or three of scotch, which he takes for strictly medicinal purposes.

Nope. He refers to the medicine his mum made him take when he was a kid.

Instead of scotch, he recalls, when he was a bit chesty he was dosed with Lane’s Emulsion, a product fed to generations of New Zealand children.

Originally claiming to be “a reliable remedy for pulmonary ailments”, the product was still in production until the early 1980s. Oamaru company Crombie and Price, which bought Lane’s Medicine in 1971, still holds the rights and recipe to the product.

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Herald tells of a drunken Air NZ crew unfit to fly – but the story is based on unnamed sources

August 2, 2014


Readers of the Weekend Herald website would have been dismayed on learning:

Air NZ Crew too drunk for flight

But the story beneath the headline suggests the headline is bollocks.

There is no mention of the crew being “drunk”.

They had been drinking.

But even if aviators just sniff a bit of booze they are considered unfit to fly for several hours afterwards.

As Alf understand it, pilots legally must not drink less than eight hours before flying.

Many employers impose a more stringent limit of 12 hours.

Aviation industry people talk about 12 hours from bottle to throttle.

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If you must be doused in iced water to raise funds, take a tip from the Cancer Society and avoid liquor

July 12, 2014


The headline atop a Stuff report today is bound to cause some dismay among Alf’s mates at the Eketahuna Club. It says:

Don’t mix drink and ice water: charity

Some people regard ice and/or water as an important component of their tot (or two) of whisky and other spirits.

Advice on the acceptability and benefits of of this can be found here.

As it turns out, the headline doesn’t quite tell us the full story.

Nor does it focus on an aspect of the story that should be causing some disquiet among our law-and-order authorities – the burial of a bloke before coronial officials could be sure of why he died.

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Labour’s exorbitant liquor lark – $100,000 for a bottle of Clark Gargle looks a bit rich

June 22, 2014
Barker got the lolly ... Cunliffe has copped the hangover.

Liu’s partner got wine, Rick Barker got forgetful … and Cunliffe has got the hangover.

The authorities who police these things should take a bloody hard look at the way the Labour Party has got into the liquor trade.

Alf’s good mate Whale Oil drew attention a few weeks ago to a Labour Party fund-raiser in South Auckland, when those in attendance tossed coins at a bottle of whisky.

Alf’s fondness for good scotch might have tempted him to have a go at winning the bottle by these means, but he would have balked at having to travel to Auckland – a sad city he prefers to avoid – and he has been programmed never to do anything that would benefit the Labour Party.

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How to cast a Paul over proceedings – get Gascoigne pissed, then ask him to speak

February 3, 2013

You can't really blame the whisky for this...

You can’t really blame the whisky for this…

A Pommy tosser who has broken down in tears in public has also given whisky a bad name.

Giving whisky a bad name should be a capital offence, in a civilized society, and the Pommy tosser should be found guilty and beheaded.

Even if he hadn’t given whisky a bad name, he should have been treated with an element of disdain, because he eschewed playing proper football and took up the sport known in this country as soccer.

Playing soccer instead of rugby is akin to choosing to eat yogurt, fruit and nuts instead of a sirloin steak (rare) with chips and maybe a dozen oysters on the side. Oh, and a slab or two of black pudding, too.

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You don’t have to take pills to sleep soundly but you might need a reliable clock

March 4, 2012

Pyjamas are an important part of the formula for dumping your sleeping pills.

Dunno if you spotted the bothersome news item about people regularly taking certain sleeping pills being much more likely than the rest of us to suffer an early death.

The drugs at issue included benzodiazepines, such as temazepam; non-benzodiazepines, such as zolpidem, eszopiclone, and zaleplon; barbiturates; and sedative antihistamines.

An American study found those taking high doses of these commonly used pills faced a significantly increased risk of cancer.

Alf was by no means unnerved by this news, because his whisky intake seems to ensure he does not need pills to get a good night’s kip.

But some of his constituents were deeply troubled and wanted to know what Pharmac or other medical authorities in Wellington are doing to affirm the awful truth of the American research.

And what should they do?

The short answer is that the head of Pharmac is telling people who use sleeping pills not to be alarmed by the study linking their use to the risk of an early death.

Moreover, Medsafe is on the case and will investigate the findings of the study, which have been published in the British Medical Journal.

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Do you fancy trying out this wee trick to get yourself a bit of rumpy-pumpy?

February 25, 2011

If he offers you a wee dram, make sure it's not 100% wee.

Male Capuchin monkeys wash in their own pee to try to pull the sheilas.

Or so Alf reads today in his Telegraph.

This is troubling.

It causes Alf to seriously question Darwinian theories that would have splendid blokes like him trace their lineage back to apes.

That no doubt is true of Labour and Green Party supporters.

But it can’t possibly be true of true-blue Nats, who clearly originate from a profoundly superior species.

Mind you, Alf has read about a few blokes who drank or drink their own pee – Gandhi, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, Keith Richards and Steve McQueen (who, it is said, in the last stages of cancer, survived solely on a diet of urine and boiled alligator skin prescribed by his Mexican doctors).

We should not be surprised to find that most of them are dead.

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Switching from milk to whisky sounds like a good idea – unless it catches on and Scotch prices surge

February 18, 2011

Alf notes with some bemusement that his good mate David Carter, our Minister of Agriculture, is seeking advice from his officials about the cost of milk.

He has been prompted, it seems, by complaints that milk is now more expensive than soft drinks, even though milk is supposed to be good for your health and soft drinks bad for it.

Alf is not convinced by this. He has spent a lifetime giving milk a wide berth, and he remains in good nick (for his age).

When he reaches the age of 100 and is asked for the secret of his longevity, he will say a wee dram every day (of Scotch, obviously) did the trick.

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