Donning these knickers should protect your privacy, but they might prompt security officers to go groping

American security procedures have become a load of bollocks...

... so will these knickers do the trick?

Alf has found just the thing for Mrs Grumble’s Christmas present, and he will be buying a few pairs for himself.

The gift will be the fig leaf knickers designed to protect passengers’ naughty bits from American airport scanners and the prying perverts who operate them.

Alf came across the undies while reading The Daily Telegraph.

A Las Vegas businessman has invented a special underwear with a strategically placed fig leaf design to get modest passengers through the airport screeners with their dignity intact.

Jeff Buske claims his invention uses a powdered metal that protects people’s privacy when undergoing security screenings.

This Buske bloke says the underwear’s inserts are thin and conform to the body’s contours. The mix of tungsten and other metals do not set off metal detectors.

The garments feature either a fig leaf or a clasped hands motif.

Necessity – of course – is the mother of invention, and this invention has been prompted by the outrage people are expressing in response to intrusive and offensive search procedures at airports.

One irate passenger, John Tyner, made headlines around the world this week when he refused to undergo a full-body scan – or a patdown that included a “groin check” at the San Diego airport.

He told a Transportation Security Administration officer: “If you touch my junk, I am gonna have you arrested.”

Of course, he captured it all on his cell phone, and it burned through the Internet like the swine flu all day Monday.

Thousands of other law-abiding Americans share the 31-year-old software engineer resentment at having to go through a full-body scanner or a patdown.

For anyone who doesn’t have a body like Rihanna or Ryan Reynolds, it’s the Devil’s quandary.

Choose the scanner and get irradiated as six TSA guards stifle their chuckles at the sight of all your blubs and flaws. Or get a rubdown more intimate than the ones they give at Happy Land Massage in Chinatown.

Those who haven’t gotten much action lately might want to select the patdown option, which the TSA officer explained like this:

“We are going to be doing a groin check,” he intones. “I will be placing one hand on your hip and the other on your inner thigh. Then I will slowly go up and slide down, two times in the front and two times in the back.”

There are some who say that if you don’t want to get checked, you have an option: don’t fly.

Or you could become a pilot.

The Transportation Security Administration agreed Friday to let uniformed airline pilots skip the body scans and pat-downs, just before the chaotic holiday travel period begins.

Effective immediately, the pilots will still have to pass through a metal detector at airport checkpoints and present two photo IDs that would be verified against a flight crew database.

Alf will settle for the new knickers.

Mind you, two problems should be anticipated.

The first is that security officials, when they can’t see what’s tucked away under the figleaf, will want to have a bloody good feel.

The second is that these undies might not have the special properties claimed for them by their inventor.

Maybe they don’t protect you from radioactive rays (which the TSA is claiming isn’t a problem) and maybe they don’t preserve your modesty.

If you can’t see the X-ray pictures – how can you be sure?

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