Crusher has been thrown (or thrown herself) to the wolves – but the wolves should beware

Kevin Skinner gave us a lesson in the useful application of a bit of biffo.

Alf and his true-blue mates were dismayed by news of Crusher’s resignation as a Minister.

Fair to say, Alf’s dismay was tempered by the realisation – “hope” might be a better word – that this may well mean The Boss promotes him to the ministerial job that has been his ambition for some time.

But for now, those ambitions are being kept very private and for public purposes – well, the Member for Eketahuna North is declaring that he is devastated.

He is also highly disapproving of Labour’s leaping in to exploit Crusher’s plight.

Of course, that’s what one would expect from a bunch of lefties and greenies whose political aspirations far exceed their collective talents.

Hence they are apt to be desperate.

Dame Trelise and Lorde injected a Kiwi element into a sorry week for public apologies

Alf presumably caused offence when he rode a bike like this.

Alf was bemused by the haste with which a designer apologised for including a few feathers in a fashion show.

Feathers are culturally unacceptable – it transpires – when you stick ’em in a headdress and put the headdress on the head of anybody other than a male native-American with the appropriate chiefly qualifications to wear it.

Trelise Cooper was obviously oblivious to the rulebook that governs these matters.

On learning of her breach she apologised for featuring the feathered head gear, saying it was a mistake and admitting her ignorance.

GE Free Luddites give us a laugh (but not intentionally) by advising Fonterra not to kill babies

If grandma must suck eggs, where must she go to find inorganic ones?

What a glorious example of teaching your grandma to suck eggs.

They will be free-range, no doubt, and “organic” for good measure.

GE Free New Zealand, a bunch of latter-day Luddite agitators, has told Fonterra it must ensure food safety with its infant formula exports into China.

It must do what?

Ensure its infant formula doesn’t kill the customers?

Are they for real?

The cops must be more careful now, so let’s find another way of putting Labour out of its misery

It was never going to win, anyway, so we should turn it into dog tucker.

Well, who’d have believed it?

It seems the cops sometimes exceed their authority in shutting down out-of-control parties.

That’s what the Independent Police Conduct Authority report has found, according to a report in the NZ Herald.

Alf had hoped the cops could do anything they bloody well liked to shut down a too-boisterous party.

It seems not, although the authority has acknowledged police are often confronted with difficult situations when called to deal with such incidents.

It’s no fun, being on the campaign trail in Epsom with a true-blue MP who aims to lose

When they told him to take a dive, this isn’t what they intended.

Gotta say Alf happened to be in Epsom yesterday (getting back home explains the tardiness in posting this item).

And he happened upon that Goldsmith feller about the same time as the Herald.

The bugger was out campaigning to lose which is much the same as throwing a fight in the boxing ring or doing whatever bent cricketers do to help some gambling enterprise.

If you know he has been hobbled – yeah, all for the good of the National Party, so it must be okay – it’s not much fun to watch.

It’s not much fun listening to him explain what’s going on, either .

As the Herald observes today, Paul doesn’t want to win the electorate vote and hence was fielding questions from voters on just who they should be backing.

Andrew’s political career is over, they say, but he ran out of luck when he fell to No 13 on the list

So Andy is in for the chop?

Alf has been delighting today in the NZ Herald’s recollections of the ups and downs of a certain Andrew Williams.

The latest news is that New Zealand First looks likely to dump him because he antagonised its hierarchy by publicly complaining about his demotion in the party’s draft list.

It was news to Alf, of course, that the party has a hierarchy.

He thought it had one chief, Winston Peters, and a few Indians. But not much, organisationally, in between.

It was not news that Williams’ political career is in trouble. He had stuck his neck out and…

Get back to broadcasting, Pam – telling the press to piss off won’t get policy into the headlines

“Great news, people – it looks like I won’t have to wave my undies.”

Alf remembers the potty-mouthed Pam Corkery (and not too fondly) from the days when she was a Member of Parliament for the Anderton Mob and rejoiced when she gave it away to go back to broadcasting.

She should have stuck to broadcasting and not taken another crack at politicking as press secretary for the Internet Party’s leader, Laila Harre.

She was an Alliance list MP and a colleague of Harre back in those days for just one term, from 1996 to 1999. Then she quit.

We must suppose the only politicians with whom she became acquainted during those three years were greenies and pinkos, because – as the Herald reminds us today:

In her 1999 book, Pam’s Political Confessions, she said, “Politicians are, by and large, far more self-deluding, devious, bloated, insecure, egocentric w****** than I had feared.”

She certainly did not exchange pleasantries with Alf at that time, to find there are politicians who do not meet her disparaging description.

If you go with Gower, you are backing Bennett and bypassing the blokes who hanker to be next leader

“When I say this big, I’m not talking about her poll support.”

Patrick Gower admits he is a plonker who got it wrong last time. And Alf reckons he has got it wrong this time.

Last time he predicted Crusher was a likely National leader to succeed The Boss.

This time he is putting his money on Paula Bennett.

Alf trusts he is not putting too much money on Paula.

This by no means is meant to reflect unkindly on our splendid Minister for Social Development. When it comes to the crunch – or the crush – pretty well anybody in the National team would make a better prime minister than anyone the lefties or greenies could throw into the ring.

But it does seem Gower has a thing about Rubenesque sheilas with a bit of beef and solid thighs.

The cops will turn up real fast if you ding a car – but where were they when Hone’s office was shot at?

“I suppose it will be like this all the time if I lose my driving licence.”

Some ungracious bastards will think it’s a shame Hone Harawira has survived unscathed after losing control of his car south of the Mangamuka Gorge.

Alf does not share this uncharitable view because he has been deeply steeped in the teachings of The Bible and has been conditioned by his religious upbringing to love his fellow man, although he might yield to temptation on occasion and say unkind things about lefties and greenies who don’t have to do too much to provoke him.

Alf further recognises that Hone is an indigenous person and therefore is entitled to special treatment, which should include special treatment from law-enforcement officers.

It seems he has been given special treatment, but not the sort that makes him happy.

Or rather, Hone reckons enforcement officers’ response rates differ, depending on whether he is a complainant or the driver of a crashed car.

Brainwave boffin jolts us with a caution: we should brace for a crime wave spawned by the quakes

It was an earthquake that did it, you honour.

Stand by to hear a new line of pleading in a few years from lawyers acting for ratbag kids who have fallen afoul of the law and want to get off scot-free.

The plea will be that earthquakes should take the rap, not the delinquent child.

Alf makes this prediction on the strength of something he read at Stuff today.