Some stuff is best read for laughs, including advice to take the Internet Party seriously

May 31, 2014
Sadly, he is not on the Internet Mana list.

Sadly, he is not on the Mana Internet list.

Alf enjoys humour so was immediately tempted to look for the laughs that were bound to be extracted from a Herald item under the headline:

John Armstrong: Internet Mana best taken seriously

Armstrong is a political writer for whom Alf might have a higher regard were he to take some note of the Eketahuna North member’s words of wisdom, which flow regularly in speeches in the House, on the hustings and to mates in the Eketahuna Club, but are never recorded by the aforementioned political writer.

This lack of an appreciation for powerful and well-considered rhetoric means Alf reads Armstrong only for the chuckles.

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Bob won’t press on with his monorail project but iwi leaders can play the treaty card

May 30, 2014

Alf is wondering today what might have happened if Bob Robertson could wave the Treaty of Waitangi in support of his proposal to run a monorail through the Fiordland National Park.

As we all now know, the proposal has been scuttled by the government.

And Robertson has said he will not appeal against the decision or pursue any legal action.

He has taken it on the chin, after Conservation Minister Nick Smith turned down the application for the $240 million project, saying it didn’t stack up economically or environmentally.

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If you want to see a cover-up, leave Crusher alone and check out the dress code in Qatar

May 29, 2014

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The Grumbles have never been great enthusiasts for soccer, or any sport where the players are apt to kiss and hug each other and otherwise display unseemly behaviour.

The won’t, therefore, be travelling to Qatar for the 2022 World Cup, some eight years hence.

Among other things, Alf by then will be … well, let’s say of mature years in the age department.

In some respects this is a shame because it means the Grumbles won’t enjoy the spectacle of soccer fans – a boozy, brawling bunch of hooligans, by all accounts – getting to grips with the dress and behaviour code of Qatar.

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A marriage of mana and money makes a moaning minnie of – guess who? Yep – Sue

May 27, 2014

And so the decision has been made.

The Internet Party and Mana Party have teamed up for this year’s election.

Alf and his fellow Nats are feeling seriously unthreatened.

Hone Harawira will be top dog in this odd coupling – he will have top billing on the alliance’s party list.

Mana has given up the number two spot on their combined list to the Internet Party’s leader, who will be named tomorrow (or so we are assured).

This is all too much for dear old Sue Bradford to stomach. She has spat the dummy – as she warned she would – and quit the Mana Party.

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This Kiwi sheila is faster than a speeding bullet … but could a lump of kryptonite slow her down?

May 26, 2014

A Dom-Post report on a shooting spree in California gives an account from a woman from Hawke’s Bay.

The front-page story says she ran for her life during the spree that left six people dead in her neighbourhood in Isla Vista, Santa Barbara.

The headline atop this report says –

Kiwi flees madman’s bullets

Bullets are fast.

According to Yahoo answers the speed of a bullet depends on the calibre, the amount and type of powder, and the bullet weight.

Most rifle calibers travel at supersonic speeds. The “crack” you hear is a mini sonic boom. Most handgun calibers travel much slower than that. Average speed for a 9mm handgun round is about 1100 feet per second. Some large caliber rifle rounds travel at speeds up to and beyond 4000 feet per second.

To flee a bullet, accordingly, the Kiwi woman must be able to run really fast.

Our athletics officials should take note.

Her name is Amelia Lyons.

What we are not told is the distance she ran while fleeing the bullets.


Our changing population mix is bothering the tangata whenua – will the Asians want special funding too?

May 25, 2014

Alf is bound to sit up and take notice, when warnings are sounded about the future of special arrangements for our indigenous people.

He is apt to think there should be no special arrangements for anyone – not based on race, anyway – but the horse bolted on that one years ago.

Vast sums of money are dished out from the public purse each year for Maori purposes and increasingly special seats are provided around council tables and in other public bodies for Maori appointees.

Never mind. It’s all in the name of the Treaty partnership, and we shouldn’t question these arrangements – not too shrilly, anyway – lest the indigenous portion of our citizenship get the idea we disapprove of giving them a helping hand.

We get a whiff of the problem that is looming (if it hasn’t already arrived”) from an Asia NZ Foundation survey.

It shows Maori views on Asian immigration have deteriorated in the past year. While most New Zealanders increasingly saw the benefit of Asian immigrants, 44 per cent of Maori believed New Zealanders were more negative towards people from Asia compared with a year ago.

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There’s more than one way to kill a cat – and bad buggers, too – as US prisons run short of lethal drugs

May 24, 2014

Alf is partial to a good fry-up.

The good people of Tennessee like one too. They are planning on bringing back the electric chair to replace lethal injections.

Tennessee has 74 prisoners on death row. The authorities could run up a fair-sized power bill by the time they get through that lot

Wyoming and Utah are considering the return of firing squads.

The Supreme Court has upheld the legality of the firing squad in 1879, the electric chair in 1890 and lethal injection in 2008.

Wonder if anyone is thinking about the guillotine, the gallows, burning at the stake or – a bit bloodier but once deemed appropriate for bad buggers in England who had committed high treason- hanging, drawing and quartering.

William de Marisco is drawn to his execution.

William de Marisco is drawn to his execution.

Convicts were fastened to a hurdle, or wooden panel, and drawn by horse to the place of execution, where they were hanged (almost to the point of death), emasculated, disembowelled, beheaded and quartered (chopped into four pieces). Their remains were often displayed in prominent places across the country, such as London Bridge. For reasons of public decency, women convicted of high treason were instead burned at the stake.

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