A curious tale of Crome, gnomes and chrome domes

Mrs Grumble reckons this bloke...

...would sit comfortably with this - but which one would be uglier?

Alf reckons the news media, now in a feeding frenzy after Rodney Hide sullied his image as a perk-buster, are asking the wrong questions of the wrong person.

They are focussing on Rodney and naturally, when they ask him about his perk-busting lapse, he makes no apology but says he would do it again, using his MP’s travel expenses to take his partner overseas.

Obviously this has something to do with hormones running rampant.

A dry argument about owning water

Alf apologises for being somewhat tardy in reporting a significant ruling from Mr Speaker yesterday.

He has been minded to alert readers to the ruling while adding a bit of water to his scotch and musing on ownership rights to his drink and its contents.

Mr Speaker said nobody owns water.

This could be put to the test, of course, by running off without paying for a few bottles of the stuff sold in fancy plastic containers at an outrageous price to fuckwit consumers.

Mallard cycles into more strife

Alf usually gives Labour’s Trevor Mallard a wide berth when he sees him prowling menacingly through the corridors of power, since his come-to with Tau Henare a few years back. You never know when Trev might be overcome by an urge to indulge in a bit more biffo.

Motorists should give the bugger a wide berth too, it seems, although police have yet to get the full story about Mallard’s involvement in a skirmish with a motorist who allegedly upset a group of cyclists which included the MP.

Goff and the wondrous practice of obamu

Alf picked it up from The New York Times’ Schott’s Vocab, devoted to word and phrases, but Schott picked it up from James Fallows in The Atlantic who picked it up from Amptonan.

It’s a newly-coined Japanese verb – “to Obama” – which means to persevere with optimism, ignoring all obstacles.

Why should we believe Rick Barker is his real name?

One of Rick Barker's volunteers working under cover.

A blow has been struck against skulduggery and knavery in the political polling business after the exposure of Rick Barker’s sneaky survey techniques and his advice to volunteers to use false names.

Today he is reported as saying Labour will tell its pollsters to use their own names in future.

This doesn’t mean the bugger is unrepentant, because –

he appeared to defend the use of a company front-name, not associated with the party, as a better way to get reliable data.

Getting to the guts of stress and its cure

Alf didn’t feel a hint of stress, when scribbling these words. Hence he concludes we Kiwis are unlike Poms in our work habits and susceptibility to stress (although he recognises the statistical frailty of his logic).

But why might he have felt stressed?

Because he settled down behind his PC some 45 minutes ago, a bad time for stress among the Brits.

Fancy a bottle of 1788 cognac?

Alf has alerted the sommelier at the Eketahuna Club to a great purchasing opportunity.

Wine from one of the world’s largest and finest cellars, La Tour d’Argent, is to be auctioned in Paris on December 7-8.

The illustrious restaurant, a fixture on the Paris dining circuit since it was founded in 1582, will sell 18,000 bottles of wines and spirits from its vast cellars.

It’s the Elf – not Alf – that’s being replaced

There’s great delight in Eketahuna this weekend as the local Volunteer Fire Brigade shows off its new 4WD ute, which replaces an ageing Super Elf. Super Elf, note. Not Super Alf.

It’s all part of the brigade’s centennial celebrations this Labour weekend.

Volunteer fireman Terry Carew said the showpiece of the festivities is a new $38,000 4WD ute bought with a $9,000 donations from Pub Charity with the balance made up by the community and the Brigade.

Mr Carew said the fundraising was quite an achievement given that it took just a year to get the cash together.

He said the weekend of celebrations will include firefighting exercise displays as well as visits from fire service top brass, including eastern region commanders.

Tararua mayor Maureen Reynolds will also be on hand planting a commemorative totara at the fire station grounds on Saturday.

A renovated 1950s fire truck from the Dannevirke Volunteer Fire Brigade will also be heading south to add a retro vibe to proceedings.

If you happen to be passing by and stop to see what’s going on, keep an eye out for Alf. And say “Hi”.

Kipping down in cattle class

Good grief – how many makeovers can Air NZ undergo before it finishes up looking like that recently deceased sadsack, Michael Jackson.

Alf poses this question on learning that just three years on from its previous branding overhaul, Air New Zealand is reviewing its uniform and livery.

More interesting, it is looking into possibilities for economy passengers to sleep comfortably on flights.

No, not a war whoop – probably an ecstatic BB

If Alf had been back home in Eketahuna he might not have heard it, but the House was sitting and he was in the capital.

All seemed right with the world – the ACC was being sorted out, big changes were being made in education to test how kids are performing, Tariana Turia was going to be cut down to size. Then something akin to a war whoop shattered the comparative peace and quiet of Bellamys.

A Southlander, somewhere in the city, apparently was shouting “woohoo” (or something to that effect) to celebrate the return to that province of the Ranfurly Shield.

No, it wasn’t Bill English (who probably supports Wellington nowadays). It was a female enthusiast, buxom and blond, according to Alf’s informants. He suspects the Busted Blond.

Anyway, Alf is pleased to hear that Invercargill is preparing a ticker tape parade to celebrate Southland’s first Ranfurly Shield win in 50 years.