Throwing up Trevor Mallard as a candidate means David Carter is a shoo-in to become Mr Speaker

Well, that’s gotta be a thoroughly untempting proposition.

The Labour Party has said it will nominate Trevor Mallard to be Speaker of the House.

They know the bid will fail.

The chances of failure became that much greater when Mallard became their choice.

Fatties should go for the soaps (the slimming ones) rather than the news, when watching TV

The good news for Parekura Horomia and Gerry Brownlee is that Alf has sent each of them a few bars of the product advertised here.

Mrs Grumble happened to be cleaning out the attic and – would you believe? – found the soap.

She suggested Alf put them to the test, but he happened to think he knew of someone who could make much better use of these bars than he could.

Mrs G. agreed and the soap was delivered this afternoon, before the House sat for the first time this year.

But there’s bad news (here) for Parekura and Gerry, too.

They should give up watching the news on telly.

Having one Queen wave to us from the balcony is great – but two? No, that would be an outrage

Britain has its political tossers, too, and not surprisingly they are to be found in the Labour Party.

Their ranks include one Paul Flynn, who has outraged Alf on two fronts – on the matter of the monarchy and on the matter of gay marriage.

Alf is thoroughly in favour of the former and hostile towards the latter.

But that’s just to state where he stands before he proceeds to examine the wildly woolly-woofter thinking of the aforementioned Paul Flynn.

This Pommy MP (as you can see here) wants to change the law of royal succession so the monarch could have a gay partner.

Bloody hell.

Just imagine a pair of poofs standing on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, waving to the throng below as our – well, as our Queen and his Queen.

Or their female equivalents.

Trouble is, for a Nat to seek Helen’s help in getting a knighthood might be a tad dishonourable

Ah, so that’s how it’s done.

It is no secret that Alf has considered himself egregiously neglected by those who decide who should be gonged at New Year and in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List.

The knighthood he covets has eluded him.

Now he knows what must be done, although, fair to say, it calls for somewhat extreme measures.

Hey, folks, isn’t it great to see a heavyweight politician show what’s what in tackling Novopay?

It’s splendid to see Economic Development Minister Steven Joyce on the job of sorting out the teachers’ pay fiasco.

Steven, of course, was given responsibility for Novopay in the Cabinet reshuffle on Tuesday.

Just between us, it was a bungled reshuffle, because the obvious talents of the Member for Eketahuna North were egregiously overloooked.

But that’s by the way and Steven has wasted no time in showing the Novopay bunch he is not to be messed with.

Should your company be shut down? Let’s start by counting the numbers of Maori on your staff

Does Alf hear the sounds of Pakeha exasperation as racist Maori leaders increasingly threaten the well-being of anyone who is not Maori?

Nah. Most Pakeha are too bloody pathetic or apathetic or PC. Or something.

They will simply buckle to the latest Maori demands being made in the name of “partnership”.

And they will take it on the chin when their own leaders set up yet another 50:50 governance arrangement, or whatever, that is insidiously eroding their democracy.

As iwi become increasingly empowered, other governmental institutions became that much less empowered.

Sadly, few Pakeha see the threat to their rights or to their economic interests.

It’s simple, Simon – if we winnow the fuckwits, we reduce the support for Labour and the Greens

That Bridges bugger has wasted no time in trying to show the energy and enthusiasm sought by The Boss with his cabinet shake-up.

It’s misguided, of course, as you would expect from a bloke who spawned a son and called him Emlyn and who lists his interests as running, reading and being with his family.

As Minister of Consumer Affairs, Bridges has just announced (here) a ban – would you believe it? – on the sale of magnets.

Or rather, the sale of high-powered magnet sets, to be more specific.

You deserve to be penalised, if you pop into a bar and order – good grief – glasses of water

Gotta say the sheila who has kicked up a fuss about being charged for a glass of water gets no sympathy from Alf.

First, the charge was imposed in a gay bar. Anyone wanting to endear themselves to the hard-working member for Eketahuna North would have gone to another watering hole.

Second, a bar – gay or otherwise – is defined here as a room or establishment where alcoholic drinks are served over a counter. If someone turned up, accordingly, and asked for something like water – well, clearly, they are in the wrong place. They ought to be penalised accordingly.

The bar in question is in Christchurch, and we are told it is at the centre of a growing row after it charged a customer $4.50 for water.

A cautonary tale for whales – they could live for ever, but only if they let Maori rip out their jaws

Dunno if the whale that has been beached near Invercargill is in a position to take Alf’s advice.

But the advice is to get the hell out of there and head back to sea.

Otherwise – once the whale is dead – DOC will hand it over to local Maori, and the local Maori will be ripping out its jawbone.

And the local Maori will earnestly tell the rest of us how they are being very respectful to the whale and how, actually, if they can rip out its jawbone, it will live on forever as a bit of carving.

The whale’s plight is reported here.

Volunteers spent hours trying to get the bugger back into the ocean but it became re-stranded this afternoon.

The lesson from John Key’s collapse in a restaurant – obviously – is to avoid dehydration

Fatigue can cause collapses…

Alf observes with bemusement the guessing game concocted by news media after The Boss’s collapse at a Christchurch restaurant on Thursday night.

Jetlag has been ruled out as a cause of the collapse.

But “a leading doctor” is quoted (here) as saying fatigue or dehydration could have done the mischief.

Dehydration would never be a problem for Alf, because he keeps his system nicely lubricated.

John Key might not be so careful.