If Jamie thinks real hard, maybe he will see that our aristocracy differs from the French bunch

July 31, 2014
Marie Antoinette lost her head ... maybe Jamie did too.

Marie Antoinette lost her head … maybe Jamie did too.

So what does a philosopher do?

Thinks about things, the way Alf understands the philosophy caper.

And having done a bit of thinking about things, your basic philosopher might venture to express his or her opinions – but second thoughts are recommended before you express them publicly in this country.

Some thoughts are best left unexpressed – such as thoughts about one law for all.

Or co-governance arrangements whereby only 50 per cent of representatives on a public body are publicly elected and the rest are appointed by iwi.

Advocating one electoral system for all, indeed, is politically hazardous.

Try discussing Maori seats for example, and see where that gets you.

In big shit with Race Relations Commissioner Dame Susan Devoy, as it happens.

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Jamie has stuck his neck out on that special law stuff and – yep – has smartly been told he is a racist

July 30, 2014
Which one is special?

Which one is regarded as special by that UN thing we signed?

It looks like the special treatment of our indigenous persons is shaping up as a campaign issue – if it isn’t quickly snuffed.

It also looks like anyone who says our indigenous persons are given special treatment will be denounced as racists.

Alf accordingly would never raise such questions.

He wonders about the political wits (and balls) of those who do.

One of them is ACT Party leader Jamie Whyte. Another is New Zealand First’s Winston Peters.

According to a report from Radio NZ, they both say ordinary Maori do not benefit from what they call race-based laws.

But the Maori Party – bless them – said the ACT Party and New Zealand First are vying for the redneck vote.

And they say Jamie’s ideas have no place in New Zealand politics.

If they have no place in our politics, of course, they can’t be discussed.

End of story.

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Nightmares take many forms but having your willy lopped instead of circumcised is a bad one

July 29, 2014
Where would David be without his dick?

Where would David be without his dick?

Alf was bemused to learn that a school has paid tribute to a former student and popular teenager who died … how?

From injuries after falling through the roof of a cathedral in Wellington.

Emergency services were called to Wellington Cathedral of St Paul at 11.30pm on Friday.

They found 18-year-old Finn O’Neill-Stevens had fallen 10 to 12 metres through the roof, sustaining “very serious, multiple trauma injuries,” Wellington Free Ambulance spokesman Daniel Paul said.

He was taken to Wellington Hospital where he was put on life support, but died yesterday.

As Alf understands what happened, there were two boys on the roof when the incident happened.

Both were students from Victoria University’s halls of residence.

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Vegetables have feelings, too, but there are good reasons for not giving them their commissioner

July 28, 2014

Alf must have over-imbibed last night, because he thought he heard a news item about someone promising to establish a commissioner for animals, to do for animals what a commissioner for children does for the nation’s sprogs.

Mrs Grumble was assigned to do some googling to dig out the item, so Alf could see who was championing God’s Creatures in this way.

She found the NZ Vegetarian Society not so long ago was prompted by video footage of pig farms – shouldn’t it be hoofage? – to call for the appointment of an independent Commissioner for Animals.

But she did not find any recent announcement of a party pledge to answer the call and deliver the goods.

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Impertinent media are now poking into Paul’s Parliamentary perks and politicking

July 27, 2014
If the taxpayers didn't want us to slurp from the trough, they would stop filling it.

If the taxpayers didn’t want us to slurp from the trough, they would stop filling it.

Alf observes that a party bench-mate, Paul Foster-Bell, has been a quick learner of how to slurp from the Parliamentary expenses trough.

At first he seemed unaware of how far a fellow can go when travelling at the expense of the taxpayer.

But he has quickly learned how to making the most of it.

This is all to clear from a record of his expenses published today at Stuff, which gives him no credit for keeping his expenses so low in the second quarter of 2013.

Data published by the newspaper show his claims record has been:

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Hanky-panky in the hammock? We can only wonder what Nelson would make of these manoeuvres

July 26, 2014


Alf is very old-fashioned, when it comes to allowing the recruitment of females to the armed forces and to the promotion of these females too far up the command chain.

He has always held strongly to the view that this can only lead to hanky-panky of a sort best avoided, especially if this hanky-panky were to so preoccupy a couple that the enemy could sneak up on them and catch them with their pants down. This inevitably would put your comrades’ lives in danger.

For the same reason Alf has been disinclined to support the modern-day notions of equality that allow known homosexuals to join the armed forces. It means we are putting the defence of the realm in the hands of blokes and sheilas who may be overcome by their rampant hormones at a tactically vital moment to put a bit of coupling ahead of their military priorities.

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Boys on a beach, hospital patients and now people sheltering in a UN school show Ben’s bulldog streak

July 25, 2014
"We shall wipe the  bastards out before they can ever think of surrender..."

“We shall wipe the bastards out before they can ever think of surrender…”

Gotta say the Israelis have more than their share of gall.

Blasting the crap out of Hamas militants is one thing. Hamas militants deserve everything they get.

And let’s face it, the Hamas heavies aren’t too fussy about how many Israeli civilians they kill, although their strike rate isn’t nearly as good as that of their foes in Israel.

Because Hamas isn’t too fussy, Israel isn’t too fussy about what happens to civilians who get in the way of shells intended (in their commanders’ rhetoric at least) for militant Hamas rocket launchers.

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A nice speech from Tariana but she didn’t make much of the papa bit of her whakapapa

July 24, 2014
The Greens make their presence felt in the Waiatament.

The Greens make their presence felt in the Waiatament.

Tariana Turia – lovely lady, don’t get Alf wrong – seems to have overlooked half of her whakapapa in her valedictory speech this evening.

We heard something about the Whanganui river and the mountains and umbilical chords and all that spiritual  stuff that tells us Tariana has a different world view from Alf’s.

We got to hear about other bits of her heritage. But only the Maori bit.

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John Colman gets his right of reply

July 24, 2014

One John Colman has demanded the right of reply to something Alf posted  so long ago he had forgotten it. He imagines his constituents in Eketahuna North had forgotten it too.

The original item dealt with this Colman feller’s contretemps with the Brethren Church and our legal system and with some of the more robust language he could pull from his colourful vocabulary.

Alf is happy to give Colman his right of reply, but not exactly the way Colman expressed it. He has excised some of the naughty words (exercising his editorial prerogative) and one or two bits of Colman’s story that might land him or Alf in further trouble with the law.

He further points out that Colman won’t win Alf’s sympathy by describing him and Mrs Grumble as dickheads.

But as the constituents of Eketahuna North would tell him, Alf is a fair-minded fellow and willing to allow him his right of reply.

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Wall and the Warriors of Change go on the warpath – don’t laugh, folks – over a newspaper cartoon

July 22, 2014


People who were pissed off with cartoons published in The Press and the Marlborough Express last year did what we are all entitled to do and expressed their objections at the time.

They exercised something wonderful called their freedom of speech (as did the enterprising Toyota dealer who devised the advertisement shown here).

Soon there was a debate raging. Were the cartoons racially offensive – or were they not?

And then we were all huffed and puffed out. It was all over. Or should have been.

Alas, some sad bastards get their knickers in a serious twist and want to see heads roll if they have taken offence or otherwise been affronted. Read the rest of this entry »